On the bus ride to Olongapo, this is a jeepney in Manila.
Getting from the hotel to the bus station with 2 huge suitcases over my head
My last day eating breakfast at Subic Bay.
“The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit, a broken and contrite heart, O God, you will not despise.” Psalm 51:16-17
My time in the Philippines was not at all what I expected. Going into it I thought I would be changed by the conditions of living I witnessed. I thought I would have the “typical mission trip” experience where I would encounter poverty to such a level that I would never live the same. I thought I would post pictures on social media with the people I would be serving like all my friends were doing. Most importantly I thought I would encounter God on a new level. I thought I was making the ultimate sacrifice by serving the less fortunate and that He would be proud of me for serving. I thought I would be “closer to God than ever”. Without the slightest intention, my heart was so far from being in the right place. Also without meaning to, I thought highly of myself for my sacrifice to help others. It is crazy how we can think we are being selfless yet our heart is so filthy.
I have read so many inspiring stories of missionaries who have gone overseas and given up their lives to serve others. They go for a short term mission trip and come back in love with the people they served in the specific country they served in. God breaks their heart for the people and the needs they have encountered. It is truly amazing! I have been in love with the idea of helping women through midwifery and specifically the women of The Philippines. Way too many women are dying all over the world and there is a serious need for midwives.
Therefore I thought that I was making a great sacrifice that would bring me closer to God. I was so excited and I just knew exactly how everything would go. Oh how foolish to predict the actions of God. He will not be put in a box, this I can guarantee.
“Many are the plans in the mind of a man, but it is the purpose of the Lord that will stand.” Proverbs 19:21
In my attempt to do what I thought God wanted for me I missed that exact thing. Instead of praying for Him to guide my heart to the place He had prepared for me, I prayed He would help me with the mission I had prepared for myself.
My biggest mistake is thinking that God would be more present in a certain place. Of course I profess with my mouth that God is everywhere and even in my mind I thought I knew that.. but the meditations of my heart say otherwise. I honestly thought if I went to a foreign country I would encounter God more than in America. He showed me otherwise!
As soon as I got off the plane, I was surrounded by people who were so unlike me. I thought this would give me a thrill of excitement. Instead, I felt an immediate panic as absolutely everybody I passed stared and pointed. I felt more alone than I could have ever imagined. I made my way through customs, the baggage claim and found an ATM to exchange my money to pesos. After much searching I finally found the employee of my hotel I was to be staying at and he gave me a ride to my hotel. If you have ever been to Manila you will know… it is quite intimidating.. especially at night! I was approached by several men asking me if I was traveling alone. Once I got to my hotel I went to sleep. I woke up the next morning at 4 am. I never adjusted to the time difference! Later that day I got onto a bus with a nurse from the clinic I was to be serving at and we arrived into Olongapo late that afternoon.
I wish I could go into more depth about the following days after my arrival but I am legally tied to not saying anything negative about the program I was in. I will say that I spent most of my time alone in my room learning nothing about Midwifery and fighting depression. I was desperately calling to God to be there with me and comfort my aching soul. I had so looked forward to my time in The Philippines and was promised something entirely different than what I actually experienced. BUT, I have a God who works all things for my good. Even if that just means I go through a valley and He teaches me through that hard time!!
“And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to His purpose.” Romans 8:28
What I experienced next was one of the darkest times I have experienced thus far in my life. I honestly thought that I would be closer to God in the Philippines. Instead, I experienced utter silence. It did not take me long to understand where I had gone wrong and when I realized my mistake, I felt so foolish. I cried with the ache of a broken heart. I spent almost all my time in God’s word and also in prayer searching for Him and where He wanted me to go next.
Since I did make such a drastic assumption of how God was going to move during my time away, He reminded me that He is in control and that I am not in a position to predict His actions. He will move and work in my life when and where He wishes and I should stand humbly and graciously receive that blessing when He decides to move His hand in my life. To think or say that God will be more present in a certain circumstance or place is not only wrong but so very far from the truth. He gives us a beautiful promise in Psalm 139 that He will always be there.
“Where shall I go from your spirit? Or where shall I flee from your presence? If I ascend into heaven, you are there! If I make my bed in Sheol, you are there! If I take the wings of the morning and dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea, even there your hand shall lead me, and your right hand shall hold me.”
Truly, He is everywhere. I acknowledge God was with me in my time of sadness and loneliness. But He was silent and for a reason. Without this silence I would not have realized my error. I have never experienced the silence of God like I did while in the Philippines. It was the most miserable feeling I have ever experienced and I could only take it for a short period of time. I wish to never feel that ever again. I will say, even through His silence, I had his word to cling to. I had his many beautiful promises in Psalms and all throughout the bible to read and without that I would have gone absolutely crazy.
God does not need me. Amazingly, He wants me! But he will never ever need me. He does not need me to go to a foreign country and serve. Especially if I go there making assumptions of how He will be working through me.
I learned several things from my trip to The Philippines. None of which were the things I thought I was going to learn. (God can be seriously hilarious like that.) I learned that God has me EXACTLY where He wants me to be. I got so caught up in the idea of serving somewhere besides where I am that I didn’t look around to see that there are so many people and opportunities to serve right where I am. He knows what He is doing and He knows where He wants me to be! I am not saying that it will never change but I do know that right now He has me where He wants me… and that is right here in Tennessee! The second I got back into America I felt an overwhelming peace and the unmistakable presence of God. I think He was making a point.
Also, just because you feel opposition doesn’t mean that it is the enemy. Believe me, I have been dealing with the devil trying to get me down in so many ways but this is one time when I know God was speaking to me. I was confused at first because I thought it was the enemy. From now on when I am faced with resistance I will stop and pray for discernment as to whether or not it is God trying to teach me or the devil trying to stop me. It is a very important difference.
Though my experience was a painful one, I wouldn’t trade it. Before I left I had struggled with the fear of making the wrong decision in many areas of my life. I was afraid that me making the wrong decision would hinder me from doing God’s will and it may “affect God” in a negative way. This is such a narrow minded idea that yet again, is me attempting to put God in a box. He is so much higher than that. My decisions don’t affect Him. If He wants something to happen, it is going to happen exactly how He wants it to, regardless of me.
“Many are the plans in the mind of a man, but it is the purpose of the Lord that will stand.” Proverbs 19:21
Now I have the freedom to live my life, pursuing Christ and following Him to the best of my ability, without the fear of making the wrong decision because He is with me and He is guiding my steps. God does not want me to live in fear. He didn’t send His son to die on the cross for my freedom for me to then turn around and live life in fear. No! He died so that I could have no guilt in life and no fear in death.
God had a plan for my trip to the Philippines. He set me free from the bondage of fear that had entrapped me and He also showed me the plans He has for me right where I am. No matter what tomorrow may bring, I am willing and ready to go wherever He leads me. Or, in this case, stay right where I am.
In Him,
Bailey
“For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, declares the Lord. For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts. For as the rain and the snow come down from heaven and do not return there but water the earth, making it bring forth and sprout, giving seed to the sower and bread to the eater, so shall my word be that goes out from my mouth; it shall return to me empty, but it shall accomplish that which I purpose, and shall succeed in the thing for which I sent it.” Isaiah 55: 8-11
